the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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