Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
