my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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