So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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