ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
