You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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