I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
