god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
