He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
