I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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