bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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