pop tarts are not kleenex
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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