I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
