No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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