and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
