I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
