If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
i came on her dog
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
How's work?
Spinning.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
