Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
