Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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