Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
