I want to have your abortion
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
my sisters under your porch take her home
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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