I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
