THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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