even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
