imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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