Your face is a jimmy john
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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