I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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