How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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