She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
