Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
