Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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