Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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