I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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