this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
