I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
