My liver just broke up with me...
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
