dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Randomize
