I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
