1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
This house was built for laser tag.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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