I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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