I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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