My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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