I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You pole danced in your parka.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He keeps bees of course he's weird
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
