I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
