as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
