i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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