how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
two words...techno handjob
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
