Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
