i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
