I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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