I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
