My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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