just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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