and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
