If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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