it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
