Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
ok first of all what the fuck
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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