Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
