I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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