The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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